[H&M top//Layered American Eagle sample necklaces//Claire's glasses//Charlotte Russe jeans//Seychelles boots]
One thing I enjoyed most about college was discussions in class. I learned so much in these moments. Not only about curriculum, matter of fact it was rare if we stayed on topic, but rather, about life and myself. One of these moments happened yesterday; it was my last one. *Surge of nausea.* It was so profound I hope to remember it, always.
Ever see someone and want to be their friend? Not because they're dressed well or because they are 'cool', but because you feel some gravitational-pull-thing toward them? Well, it's pretty cool. But try explaining that to a stranger-but-really-a-soulmate-kinda-person. Well the person this profound moment centered around, was one of those people to me. It was her moving statement that hit me like a ton of bricks. It's when I whispered, "I knew I liked her."
She, like myself, was in a relationship for a number of years. As you can imagine, she knew her boyfriend intimately. Or so she thought. No, it's not one of those stories. They were at a festival, amongst tons of people, standing in a park, facing a stage-if I remember correctly-and the announcer asked everyone to close their eyes. Well there are always some cheaters in the crowd and she was one of them this time. This was an awareness festival. He asked the participants to raise their hand if they'd ever attempted suicide. Imagine her astonishment, when her partner raised his hand...
There aren't words to describe that heart break. She told us about the devastation in finding out her closest companion had struggled so deeply, without her knowing. You experience this sense of disgust with yourself. How could you not have noticed? I've had one of these moments.
She's expressed her sincerest appreciation for the complexity of humanity. How you can never imagine another person's struggle. I honestly try hard to remind myself of this daily. But, it's hard. I was angry at myself for not trying harder. And honestly, I'm a victim of this same judgement every day.
I'm a fashion girl. I'm usually friendly and out going. I'm an achiever. I like participating in class. I strive to excel. I'm a girly girl. I get excited over baked goods and home decor. I think about my one-day wedding often and what my babies will look like. And unfortunately, people write me off. They'd rather calculate then understand. Yes, I'm all these things, but I'm so much more. I'm longing for more. I desire spirituality and intellect. I want to understand the globe's varying cultures and experience the world. I want to learn languages and find peace of mind. I want to overcome my need for more and my inability to appreciate the now to the fullest. I've earned everything I have. Yet, I struggle with loneliness and anxiety.
The act of graduating has exposed a lot. You've got a life to fill with whatever you choose. You can play by the book or make up your own rules. You are who you are, but you can always grow. Everyone struggles to be themselves in one way or another. Live with tolerance, better yet acceptance.
To soaking up the world-
and it's teachings,